My name is Sam. I am 33 years old and I have been unemployed for just over a year today. I decided to start this blog so I could talk about what is going on inside my head. I guess sometimes its just easier to read it than say it. People may read this, they may not and I really don’t care. I hope that someday I am able to look at this and say “I survived”. I hope……
I lost my job the week after I got married. I was a Superintendent with a MAJOR national home builder that rhymes with Dulte. A job that I was proud to have. I remember the week before I left to start my new life with my wife, “Dick” the president of my division called me into his office and told me that I was doing great, and I could look forward to being the next Project Manager when an opportunity came open. After all, I NEVER missed one day of work in nearly 6 years, I had several awards and had received numerous recommendatons and high remarks on my reviews. I was so excited, I felt great and I had a future. I was so wrong.
I was married a few days later, and went on my Honeymoon in the Bahamas, a wedding gift from my parents. We had a great time and looked forward to our first year anniversary. We always went on vacation each year to a new island or some sort of Caribbean destination and now each time would be that much more special.
I returned to work a married man, happy and ready to go. My jobsite was organized and clean so I did not really have alot to worry about when I came back to work. That’s the way it should be, you work hard so you don’t have to work harder. I really thought everything was fine. Then I got called into the office. When I sat down at his (name withheld) desk he immediately told me I was being “riffed”. That means Reduction In Force for all you employed people. My heart sank and my stomach twisted. I said, “you are kidding.” “Nope” he replied. I told him that dick had assured me that I had nothing to worry about. He simply shrugged his shoulders. I was told to empty my company truck out and find a ride. I was officially unemployed.
That was a year ago and today was especially hard for me. I have applied to hundreds of jobs. I have especially focused on federal employment because the security and benefits are often far superior to the private sector. However I think I have officially lost hope. I wanted to kill myself today, if my wife had not have been here, I would have done it. I am sorry for upsetting her. She deserves better than me.
This is why I wanted to end my life; The one conditional job offer I have had since I got laid off was with the F.B.I. Even though I was part of their hiring blitz tactic, I still had hope. I really wanted that job. Something I could be proud of.
So……… They gave me a polygraph last week which I failed because I apparently am a liar. According to the agent, I have used drugs. I have never used any kind of drug in my life. I hate them. It did not matter that I was telling the truth because he did not believe me, told me I failed and escorted me out of the building. I was so embarrassed. I officially had nothing left. I really was hoping that he was fucking with me, trying to get an admission or something so I called my recruiter this morning and she confirmed it, I was “failed” and “discontinued”. There is nothing left for me to do.
I am a failure. I have applied to hundreds of jobs with constant rejections. I believed that my hard work and experience would account for something in this world but it doesn’t. I can’t even get another interview with good ol’ Uncle Sam in jobs which I am highly qualified because a 100 points out of a possible 100 is not good enough. I am still looking for this so called “Recovery Act”. Fucking liars. Anyways, I have applied to Lowes, HomeDepot, Walmart and 7-11 with no luck. I can not even get a job stocking shelves at a fucking 7-11. I am embarrased and humiliated. I am afraid and lost. I ask myself constantly why am I even here. The feeling of being useless is getting stronger and I am constantly thinking about ways to make it stop and a quick finish seems to be the only answer. The problem is I am a glutton for punishment and I am scared. I am a coward.
I hope that someone reads this and sees the pain I am in. I hope that someone can learn something from what I have written and will hopefully continue to write. Even though I have no idea what that lesson could be. I hope this story has a happy ending, I really do. But for right now there is no light at the end of my tunnel. I am just taking it “Minute by Minute”. There is no “Day by Day” for me.
